Reflections: Urbana 2015 - You tell me...

(Originally posted 1/3/16 on our 5th grade boys Sunday school blog)

"What is God calling you to do?" I repeated the question, that was boldly emblazoned on the NMSI booth backdrop sign, with a finger in Kyle's chest, adding a "You tell me. What IS God calling us to do?" So the conversation began.

Erin and I have been asking that question in a variety of ways for at least the last 5 years. We asked it in the summer/fall of 2010 while self employed when we wondered, "If this is the 'fat' time of the year and money is so tight, what will we do in the winter?" We asked it repeatedly, after closing my business, from 2010 through 2013 when I felt oppressed and trapped in my job at my brother's roofing company. (It was the job/work, not my brother, he was great employer.) We asked it during the trauma of 2013 when my brother was forced to sell his business, and I became unemployed. We asked it as I tried to start a new business with roofing software, and restarted my contracting business to pay the bills while my career continued to flounder with uncertainty. We asked it while our family of 6 was on a church mission trip to the Village of Hope in Zambia in 2013. After we returned from Zambia with no clarity, we asked one of the pastors of our church (my dad) for the answer. He didn't know but suggested, "maybe you should go to Urbana." We asked it in 2014 when I decided that I was interested in exploring a career as a business analyst. We continued to ask it even when God gave me a good job as the construction manager of a multi-million dollar luxury apartment development instead of moving me out of the construction trade (into business analysis or something) like I'd been angling for. We've been asking it ever since we decided to attend Urbana, while we've watched God provide financially for us to go to Urbana, for the entire trip to Urbana, and constantly while we attended. We asked it while walking each aisle and passing each booth of the first 70% of the exhibit hall. We asked it after the 2 afternoon seminars we wanted to attend were too full for us to enter, and as we sat discouraged for the next hour not knowing where to go or what to do. We asked it as we decided half heartedly to walk the rest of the exhibit hall. We asked it before we entered the exhibit hall the second time with a "lame" prayer and shrugged shoulders, "God, please guide us to someone or somewhere..."  So asking the question with my finger in Kyle's chest was not a new question, just a new chest. He didn't know.

I didn't take chemistry class in high school, but even I could tell we had good chemistry with Kyle in the New Mission Systems International booth right from the start. He did the same thing most people in the Center were doing, he asked questions, told his story, tried to draw out our story, and introduced us to others in his booth. Our conversation ranged, including my construction experience and our 5th grade Sunday School efforts. I was quick to point out that construction may be my skill, but was no longer my passion. He introduced us to others in their booth, and to Youth Hope. Youth Hope is an effort that has to do with developing youth leaders/young leaders both state-side and overseas (an extremely rudimentary understanding.) I was surprised to have a spark of interest. They attempt to accomplish these goals with short term trips to train leaders both nationally and internationally. They develop their own curriculum. Later, I remembered that I'd been interested when a couple of the other CBC leaders had mentioned in passing they'd been talking about (what seemed to me) a similar idea when considering the vision of our church. We also found it to be interesting that there was some similarity of passion between their focus and our efforts in the 5th grade Sunday school. We walked away not knowing what to think, but encouraged that maybe God would reveal some direction after all. At least we would have one booth to consider that would no longer fit into the "aimless wandering" category.

We are confident that God is able to make a path for us that we could be excited and passionate about, but we are also acutely aware that He is not obligated. I'm always uncomfortable when someone seems to believe that we can measure our alignment with God's will by our own comfort. On the other hand, I firmly believe that God has designed and created us intentionally for purposes that are exclusive to us and match who He's made us to be (Eph. 2:10.) I don't know how you respond to the tension of those realities, but my tendency is to pull away from sparks of excitement for fear of disappointment. "So..." we thought, "what should we do?"

We decided to walk the rest of the exhibit floor. Since we had ended with Kyle the previous day, we decided to begin with that aisle and continue our systematic path through the hall. As we walked by his booth, Kyle called out to us from the other side of the aisle where he was sitting at in a small lounge area. We had another good conversation, and we discovered that he and his team had had some conversation about us the previous night. Whatever they said (Erin and I both wished we could have been flies on their walls to listen,) clearly they had a spark of interest in us too. That was encouraging. We left Kyle and walked through the rest of the displays.

We had a handful of conversations while perusing the remaining booths, and learned a few things. We clearly realized that we didn't feel God drawing us to full time overseas missions. We learned that the business analysis field is a bad idea, as one booth's representative somewhat condescendingly counseled us to steer clear of it. We left that booth shaking our heads, wondering what possessed him to be so... negative and discouraging. He also (intentionally or not) made it clear that their organization (or at least he) had no interest in us. If I believed "closed doors" are an indicator of God's will, then the "no" couldn't have been clearer. The last conversation we had was good, but felt heavy with practicality (more like a vetting than exploratory conversation) and it left us feeling well... heavy. So we learned that we're not quite ready to "dive in." Ultimately, we learned that the only booth we had authentic interest in was NMSI.

As the week continued, we kept feeling an attraction to NMSI and Youth Hope. We still didn't really have a good understanding of what Youth Hope did, and Kyle kept suggesting that we should talk to some others about it since he is involved in a different NMSI ministry. We decided that we'd go back and see if we could sit down with some of them and learn more. We arrived back at the booth after a somewhat hesitant and meandering walk (we both felt uncertainty as to what we'd say or how we'd be received.) The booth was busy. We awkwardly wandered to some tables at the end of the booth to wait for an opportunity to strike up a conversation. Moments later we were greeted by a friendly woman named Karena. I suppose some may call it coincidence that Karena's husband, Justin, had been the Director of Outreach for Youth Hope for 3 years before moving to a different NSMI ministry, but I know it's God getting what he wants. Moments later we were in another conversation with the NMSI team including Justin. We told them that we had interest in sitting down with them to learn more about them. Justin and Karena immediately volunteered, and we made arrangements to meet them for supper.

As supper approached, we asked ourselves what we were hoping to accomplish. We decided that we had 2 objectives: we wanted to explore what working with Youth Hope looked like practically, and we wanted to interact with them about our efforts in 5th grade Sunday School to see if they saw any connections or potential for synergy. Several hours later we found ourselves sitting at a restaurant and enjoying comfortable small talk. Again, good chemistry was clear. We learned... well honestly I'm still struggling to understand what they do, but I believe this at least. They love Jesus and young (12 - 30) disciples of Jesus. They want to do whatever can be done to build young people into leaders that can multiply the discipleship of young Jesus followers anywhere and everywhere globally. I like that thinking.

Eventually, Justin made a comment that turned the conversation in the other direction we had wanted to go, 5th grade Sunday School. I explained why we wanted to teach in 5th grade, referencing the first post in this blog. I was encouraged when he appreciated what I had written. We talked about things like "volume", the Rubik's cube, and the indispensable parts of the gospel. Justin made a few comments that piqued our curiosity. He asked about the source of the comments I was making, and when I told him they were my own he seemed interested. He said that he'd never heard anyone express those truths that way before. He mentioned that he could imagine me speaking to a group of people, and had some small audiences in mind. I was reminded of the seminar that Erin and I sat in ("God Behaving Badly" that was talking about some difficult Biblical texts) where I leaned over and said that I could imagine myself as the speaker. I remembered sitting there and realizing that I didn't have an audience. So it was intriguing to hear Justin observe that he found value in my thoughts, could imagine me delivering them to someone, and had audiences in need of speakers. As we walked back to the conference center, I confided to Justin that Crystal had been encouraged by my 5th grade class and had been similarly encouraging me to record and refine my teaching into a curriculum. It was a pleasant time, and we couldn't deny our welling enthusiasm. Our enthusiasm continues, but I, for one, am still trying to hold it back and temper it with reality.

Thursday December 31st was the final day. The thought of spending New Year's Eve alone in a hotel away from our kids was not welcome, and we decided to leave after the 11 am session. We waited until the exhibit hall opened and visited the booth one last time to say goodbye to our new friends.

What now? I don't know what to think. I have a good job that fits me well, yet I'll admit that I have some interest in abandoning my career in hopes of finding a career I can be passionate about. I can imagine being excited and passionate about what NMSI and Youth Hope are doing. On the other hand, I wonder if it's God leading me or if I'm just another Christian comfort worshipper who spends more time worrying about not having what I want than wanting what I have.

It's been said that one of the ways the seeker of God's will may find answers is in the counsel of wise Christians. So wise Christian friends, you tell me. What's God calling us to do?